Give to Get Beyond Resentment and Revenge
There are times when open, honest communication and the use of code words and fair fighting may not work to get you out of the 3Rs. This can be the case when the person you feel resentment, resistance or revenge toward is not someone you can openly communicate with.
When this is the case, consider giving as the solution to resolve the 3Rs in your life. On pages 50-52 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy there is a basic discussion of the importance of giving and the 3Rs. Let’s follow that, now, with one example of how giving worked in my life.
When I left a company I used to work for, they owed me about $16,000 for flight fares and work I’d completed as an independent contractor. The woman who owned the company said, “You’re never going to see that money,” and then she laughed and added, “Of course we’ll pay it; we always pay our bills.”
The reality was, this company didn’t always pay the bills and that was one of the reasons I left. It was at this point that the resentment began to kick in for me. I had worked 18 years to build this multi-million dollar company and now they wouldn’t pay me a measly 16 grand!
I realized that the owner was mad at me because, among other things, she was afraid that I was going to steal the whole company from her when I left. Every time I called to ask about the payment, her response was, “Oh, I’ve already taken care of that, I’ve talked to the accountant.” The truth was, she wasn’t going to pay me. Obviously, she was mad at me, and then I became angry. We were both in resistance!
Finally -– it only took a year-and-a-half! –- I said to myself, “Oops, I’d better start practicing what I preach.” Once I recognized that I was in the 3Rs, I realized that I needed to give to this woman. But what could I give her?
I wrote the owner a letter and said that the $16,000 she owed was now a gift from me to her. I didn’t do this to be some goody-two-shoes. Quite honestly, I figured I could make the money back quickly enough. But this situation was costing more than money.
It took its toll on me creatively. It cost me time. I’d get off the phone with this company and complain to the people around me and that would mess up their creativity. So, when giving to this company freed me from resentment, it brought with it an explosion of energy and creativity -— to me and the people associated with me.
This illustration shows how destructive the 3Rs can be, and how giving can free us from them. Through the use of giving -– along with the other tools of fair fighting and open, honest communication -– we can deal with the 3Rs and enhance the creativity in our lives.
Brian
Enhance Your Communication with Code Words
In our last article we talked about open and honest communication as a means to handle the 3 R’s: resentment, resistance and revenge. How else can you communicate responsibly?
On pages 53-56 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy I discuss the rules for fair fighting. One rule is to come up with a code word. This is a word, which once agreed upon, signals that a fair fight is about to begin. It also signifies that you are going to fight by the fair fighting rules.
Open and Honest Communication
The use of code words can extend to other situations in our lives besides fair fights. Once when my family and I were in Hawaii for a Christian leadership conference, my daughter, Crystal, approached me and said that she was in the 3 R’s. When I asked why she was in the 3 R’s, she said, “You flew the whole family here to Hawaii, it’s sunny outside and we ought to be on the beach playing volleyball with each other. Instead, you’re marketing to these ministers.” In her eyes, I was doing business on family time.
I was busted! Not only did I resolve this problem by eliminating some business appointments and spending time with my family, Crystal and I invented our own private code word: Bob Harrison. Bob Harrison is the name of the man who put on the conference we were attending. Now anytime Crystal says, “Bob Harrison,” it reminds me that I’m doing business on family time.
For example, if the phone rings while we’re eating dinner and I stand up to answer it, Crystal will exclaim, “Bob Harrison!” She’s not foreseeing that Bob Harrison is on the phone—she’s reminding me not to do business on family time.
If Crystal constantly said, “Dad you made an agreement with me not to do business on family time and you’re breaking that agreement,” I might be mature enough to accept that. But by using a code word, her suggestion is much easier for me to take, and much gentler on our relationship.
Code words can be invented for use with different people and different situations. At the office we form a “V” with our fingers and press it to our foreheads to remind co-workers that they’re going victim. If they’re being whiny victims, we wiggle our fingers.
Again, the advantage of a code word is that it helps an individual to accept feedback without becoming defensive or going into the 3 R’s. The gentle suggestion of a “V” against the forehead doesn’t make the other person wrong. It’s a simple reminder that gives them the opportunity for them to say, “Oh, yeah, I didn’t see that,” and to work through it.
You can also invent code words for yourself. Sometimes when co-workers in my company don’t listen, I get frustrated and I tend to “go controller.” My voice raises and I get very intense. When I catch myself getting too intense, I laugh, “Ho, ho, ho,” like Santa Claus. In one meeting, we all laughed several times when I did the Santa-thing to break the downward spiral of me being too controlling and to help those around me from becoming defensive and shutting down.
As you can see by the examples regarding code words, there’s an advantage to having your family and friends attend Klemmer seminars. You will be able to communicate with the same language and on the basis of shared experiences. This can save a lot of time and energy for everyone and help create better and stronger relationships.
Be Inspired,
Brian Klemmer
Think Outside The Box To Open Up Possibities
How does the world look to us when we view it without the pair of sunglasses called right and wrong? As mentioned in a recent post titled “How Does the Right/Wrong Paradigm Color Your Experience“, the right/wrong paradigm is a context for looking at life in which one person is right and the other is wrong. Further, the belief is that in order to give up making the other person wrong then they, themselves, have got to be wrong.
Within this paradigm, one of us has always got to be wrong. If you can get outside this mode of thinking, then all of a sudden you’re in a space alive with possibilities. So let’s look at two examples from an area closest to all of us: family.
I come from a family that values education highly. Everybody in my family went to college. However, my oldest son, Kelly, did not like school. It isn’t that he’s not smart; he just wasn’t into school.
From within the right/wrong paradigm, one of us had to be wrong and because of the importance I placed on education, I definitely made him wrong for not being into school. As long as I made Kelly wrong, he turned around and made me wrong.
This continued to the point that when he was thirteen or fourteen I almost drove him out of the house and into a boarding school. But I eventually came to my senses. I examined all the prices – not just what I was paying, but what my wife, daughter and both my sons were paying – and I stopped resisting Kelly.
Resistance is really what is behind the right/wrong way of looking at circumstances. It comes from thinking that the situation isn’t the way that it should be. When I could say, “Okay, this is the way he is, where do we go from here?” possibilities opened up.
I may not have gotten Kelly to work hard at school, but at least now we could communicate. Now we could have an intimate relationship and talk about alternatives. He was open to my input, even though we saw this one area differently. As it turned out, Kelly ended up going to college and graduating, anyway!
Another illustration has to do with money, my wife Roma, and me. I used to make Roma wrong for not saving enough money. On the other hand, I was willing to risk great amounts of money, and she made me wrong for risking too much money and not living enough in the now.
We were at a point of stalemate by making each other wrong. One of the ways we moved out of this stalemate was by looking at the needs each of us was trying to meet. By moving out of making her wrong, I saw that Roma desired the freedom to spend money the way she wanted to. That insight made it possible to look for ways to solve that need.
So, we came up with a solution. As the income earner in the family, I would provide a fixed amount of money every month from which the bills would be paid. If Roma saved money from that base amount, then she could spend it any way she wanted. For instance, if she wanted to buy a couch, I could no longer make her wrong for buying a couch. On the flip side, if I created any money above the base amount I provided for her, I could save it, invest it, or do whatever I wanted with it, and she wouldn’t complain.
I relate these examples not to communicate ways to solve specific family problems. The larger lesson is to show how thinking outside the right/wrong box looks, and to show how this new paradigm opens up abundant possibilities for success in relationships and other areas of our lives.
Think Outside The Box,
Brian
PS – Attend a FREE Champions Online Workshop to learn more ways you can think outside the box.
The Ugly Side of Dreams
Isn’t that a great title! This is my first blog. I am new to Facebook as of 2 months ago. Twitter and linked in a month ago. Now I am blogging. It’s another great adventure of possibilities.
The ugly side of dreams is an article I am in the process of writing that refers to the unknown prices we will have to pay to make dreams happen. I recently made some of the toughest decisions I have ever made involving friendships and the business of Klemmer & Associates Leadership Seminars Inc. I had no idea I would have to make those kinds of decisions when I started Klemmer & Associates.
It has caused me to reflect on other prices I have had to pay for any dream I have had. My wife and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary. To make an exciting intimate relationship last that long I have been challenged and stretched and paid prices that never crossed my mind when I proposed. When I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ as both my Lord and Savior I never suspected that my biggest critics would be Christians not non-believers.
When I enrolled at the United States Military Academy in 1968 to serve my country I knew I would have physical challenges but I had no idea of dealing with drug addicts returning from Vietnam who were good people or having a gun held to my head by someone in our army. Maybe it’s good that we don’t know all the prices up front or we probably would not start or follow very many dreams. At the same time there seems to be a need to prepare people that nothing in life comes free.
When we start a dream we are infatuated with possibilities which are good. I think we also need to have someone as a mentor who toughens us up for the onslaught of resistance we will meet. I have often said that “nothing great becomes great without overcoming great resistance”. So share your thoughts with me on a dream you have and prices you paid to get there that you had no idea you would encounter when you signed up for the dream.
