There are two very different facets of leadership: doing the right thing and doing things right.

What is the right thing? A right thing is something that is in alignment with a person’s purpose. One of the things I discuss in my latest book, The Compassionate Samurai, is the importance of being clear about your purpose. The difference between having a significant life and a successful life is knowing what your purpose is and how it fits into the greater scope of the world.

Moreover, it’s important to be clear about your purpose for the day. For example, if you receive a phone call it may be a nice call to take, but it may not be the right thing because it doesn’t fit in with your purpose for that day. A lot of things can be good. But good things are not always the right things.

Doing things right, on the other hand, means doing what fits in with the fundamental principles that you have decided to live your life by, such as the principles committed to in the Advanced Leadership seminar. If a decision or activity you have before you doesn’t align with those, then it’s not the right way.

There’s a quaint story about Lincoln that involves doing the right thing and doing things right. During the Civil War, the Confederates were banging at the door of Washington, D.C. At the same time, Colonel Scott, the senior officer in charge of defending Washington, was informed that his wife had died. Scott asked his commanding officer if he could leave to be with his family for the funeral, but the officer declined his request because of the Confederate attack.

Colonel Scott took his case all the way up the chain of command to the secretary of war, a man named Stanton. Even Stanton declined to let Scott go. Desperate, Colonel Scott approached the president, Abraham Lincoln. President Lincoln blew up. Couldn’t Scott see that he, Lincoln, had bigger decisions to make than this? Why didn’t Scott listen to his chain of command? But the next day Lincoln sought out Colonel Scott, apologized, and gave him permission to visit his family.

There are differing viewpoints about how Lincoln should have handled this situation. One is that Lincoln did the right thing, but he did it the wrong way. And the second day, he did the wrong thing because of his guilt, but did it the right way. What do you think? How do you know what is right and what the right way is?

Not only do you need to be clear about what your life purpose is, but you also need to know what your purpose is for tomorrow, for this week, for the year. And you need to be very clear about the principles that you want to live by so that when the need arises, you will be able to make right decisions based on those principles.

Brian

PS – Tell me what you think. Join the conversation and leave a comment!

In the last article we talked about one of three ways of listening, “being with.”  What are the other two ways of listening?

One is to agree with whatever is being said, and the other is to disagree. We often listen from a standpoint of whether we’re going to agree with what’s being said, or whether we’re going to disagree. This is listening with a filter. It prevents us from being present–or “being with”–the person we’re talking to.

Here’s an example. When one of our multi-level clients talks to someone about a business opportunity, one response might be, “Oh, multi-level. That’s a pyramid scheme.” Because they’ve heard something about multi-level marketing before, the client is being present to agree/disagree, not present with the person speaking with them.

Or, the response could be positive. “Oh, network marketing, I’ve heard about that.” In this case the client is listening from an agree standpoint, but they still have a filter up. They’re not being present to the person right in front of them.

We teach the three ways to listen at the Personal Mastery seminar for a reason. Most people show up with a mindset, “What you’re saying doesn’t fit with what I say, so I disagree,” or “What you’re saying does fit with what I say, so I agree.” Because the focus is on agreeing or disagreeing, all they can possibly end up with is what they already know. There’s no chance to discover anything new.

Since to think is to create, and the person’s thinking hasn’t changed, they haven’t discovered anything new. They can’t grow. They’re stuck.

What’s at work here is subconscious thinking, which makes ninety-nine percent of our decisions for us. But, unless we’re aware of our subconscious thinking, we’ll be unaware of why we make the decisions we do. It’s like driving down the road of life blind. How can we have revelations about our subconscious thinking so that we can get unstuck?

• Practice being with. Keep your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical natures present.
• Notice what you’re experiencing in terms of your feelings and behavior.
• Ask yourself: What thinking is causing that feeling or behavior?

When I went through West Point, I had the perception that I was very honest. If you lie, cheat or steal, they throw you out. Later, in an exercise set up by my mentor, Tom, I had to reveal to a group of people what really mattered to me and what I wanted to improve on. I said that I wanted to be more organized. In the greater scope of my life, that was not what really mattered to me!

What I really wanted was a wildly romantic, long-lasting relationship. But I was afraid to tell people that, because I was afraid of what they might think. Well, to think is to create.

I examined the thinking that generated my behavior and noticed two things. One, my behavior was run by what other people thought of me, and two, I was not honest about revealing everything there was to reveal.

As I related that to relationships, I saw why I lacked the intimacy I really wanted and why I didn’t have a wildly romantic, long-lasting relationship. I was honest — I didn’t lie — but I found it very difficult to let the walls down and be open with my feelings. Once I saw that, I was able to make a shift and grow from there.

Brian

P.S. – Learn more about the Klemmer Personal Mastery workshop experience to reveal the belief systems that are holding you back from the results you want in your business and personal life.

Would you like to be more efficient, more effective, more intimate? Then join us in learning the art of being with.

Being with is a way of listening to people. It’s listening to others without any filters up. One filter compares whatever is said to your own personal experience. Another filter is listening with an agenda in mind, wondering what you’re going to get out of the conversation. There’s also the “right/wrong” filter where we constantly assess I’m right/they’re right, or I’m right/they’re wrong, etc. When you practice being with, you are present without any filters between you and the other person.

You are also present as a whole person. Every person is made up of a mind, body, feelings, and spiritual nature. When you’re being with, all four of these are present in the moment.

To help in understanding being with, let’s look at some examples of what it looks like when we’re not being with. Suppose I’m golfing. I’m looking at the ball in front of me, but thinking about the last ball that hooked or sliced. I’m not really being with the ball in front of me. Or suppose I think, Oh gosh, I should be at home with my wife and kids. Then I’m not being with the ball, either. Not being with my golf game ruins my efficiency and effectiveness.

Intimacy is effectiveness in the realm of personal or business relationships. Suppose I am embarrassed at a management meeting at work. When I come home from work my body may be home, but my emotions are still with the management meeting. Or, if I didn’t complete my work, I may be physically with my family, but my mind is still at the office. You can see how intimacy in relationships can suffer when we don’t practice being with!

How can you practice being with? One way is simply to be conscious of it. Decide that you’re going to be totally present. Quiet all the noise in your mind and cut out all distractions. When you’re being with, you’re very aware of what’s going on with the other person.

Recently I had a phone conference scheduled for 9:00 a.m., but was running late. I knew I would get to the office just at 9:00 and then there would be various details in the office to take care of. The last-minute rush and distractions in the office would keep me from being with the person on the other end of the line. So, I asked if we could begin ten minutes later. That gave me the opportunity to come to a place of ground and center, a concept taught in the Advanced Leadership Seminar. I could ask myself, “What’s my purpose?” to quiet my mind and cut out all distractions.

Another way of being with is to ask, “Hey, do you really feel me being present with you, or do you feel like my mind is somewhere else?” Most people know whether you’re being with them or not; they can feel it. Perhaps you’ve listened to a salesperson intent on sticking with their script and closing the deal, rather than being with you. Even though you may not be aware of what’s happening, most likely you will not buy the product or participate in the business opportunity.

Practice the art of being with and watch your levels of efficiency, effectiveness, and intimacy increase.

Brian

PS – Click the Like Button below.

When considering the third of the 3Rs, revenge, there’s often a short circuit that takes place in our minds. Suppose someone asked you if you ever took revenge on others. Now, if you’re like most people, you would think that you don’t take revenge. Your underlying thinking might be that if you did, it would mean that you’re a bad person.

In order to maintain being a good person, you must think of examples of revenge that you would never do. One of the ways to do this is by thinking that revenge is doing something extreme to someone else, such as taking out a gun and shooting them. If you don’t shoot other people, then you don’t exact revenge — and therefore you are a good person. This is often how our brains work regarding revenge!

Revenge!

So, in order to discuss revenge, we must define it. Revenge is any attempt to settle the score with someone. For example, perhaps an employee gave their viewpoint to a coworker, but the coworker didn’t respond. As a result, the employee doesn’t feel heard. The employee might then make a snide comment, one that puts down the coworker. That’s revenge.

Hidden inside most of our minds is a little scorecard, or bank account, for each person in our lives. For example, I know a woman who must ask her husband several times to do things for her. Sometimes, no matter how often she asks, he doesn’t do them at all. Then she starts to plot how to get back at him, how to settle the score. That’s revenge.

The revenge can take several forms. She can conveniently not be available to cook dinner or not be in the mood for sex. She can turn her back on him and migrate to another part of the house so that he can’t communicate with her. What is the solution for this woman? To recognize that she is in the revenge stage of the 3R’s and move into giving, fair-fighting or open, honest communication.

An example from my own family took place when one of my sons was 16 or 17 years old. At that time this son began to break his curfew. At first, my response was to get angry at his behavior. But then I realized that I couldn’t stop him from breaking curfew and surrendered to it. Then I told my son that I knew I couldn’t control him. I couldn’t make him do anything. I also informed him that if he broke curfew again, it would result in an immediate consequence: the door to his room would be removed.

Sure enough, a day or two later when he was late, instead of going into the 3Rs and getting angry, I took the door off his room. He made his choice and got the promised consequence. It wasn’t long before my son begged me to put the door back on, but I waited two or three days to do that. As you might imagine, that was the last time we had problems with him breaking curfew!

Revenge, or settling the score, is destructive to all parties involved, including the one who carries out the revenge. Recognizing this attitude doesn’t mean we’re bad. Like resentment and resistance, having the courage to recognize revenge and deal with it through giving, fair-fighting, or open and honest communication brings release, energy and increased creativity.

For more on revenge and how to avoid being controlled by it, see pages 47-56 of my book, If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich & Happy.

Be Exceptional,

Brian

There are times when open, honest communication and the use of code words and fair fighting may not work to get you out of the 3Rs. This can be the case when the person you feel resentment, resistance or revenge toward is not someone you can openly communicate with.

When this is the case, consider giving as the solution to resolve the 3Rs in your life. On pages 50-52 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy there is a basic discussion of the importance of giving and the 3Rs. Let’s follow that, now, with one example of how giving worked in my life.

When I left a company I used to work for, they owed me about $16,000 for flight fares and work I’d completed as an independent contractor. The woman who owned the company said, “You’re never going to see that money,” and then she laughed and added, “Of course we’ll pay it; we always pay our bills.”

The reality was, this company didn’t always pay the bills and that was one of the reasons I left. It was at this point that the resentment began to kick in for me. I had worked 18 years to build this multi-million dollar company and now they wouldn’t pay me a measly 16 grand!

I realized that the owner was mad at me because, among other things, she was afraid that I was going to steal the whole company from her when I left. Every time I called to ask about the payment, her response was, “Oh, I’ve already taken care of that, I’ve talked to the accountant.” The truth was, she wasn’t going to pay me. Obviously, she was mad at me, and then I became angry. We were both in resistance!

Finally -– it only took a year-and-a-half! –- I said to myself, “Oops, I’d better start practicing what I preach.” Once I recognized that I was in the 3Rs, I realized that I needed to give to this woman. But what could I give her?

I wrote the owner a letter and said that the $16,000 she owed was now a gift from me to her. I didn’t do this to be some goody-two-shoes. Quite honestly, I figured I could make the money back quickly enough. But this situation was costing more than money.

It took its toll on me creatively. It cost me time. I’d get off the phone with this company and complain to the people around me and that would mess up their creativity. So, when giving to this company freed me from resentment, it brought with it an explosion of energy and creativity -— to me and the people associated with me.

This illustration shows how destructive the 3Rs can be, and how giving can free us from them. Through the use of giving -– along with the other tools of fair fighting and open, honest communication -– we can deal with the 3Rs and enhance the creativity in our lives.

Brian

In our last article we talked about open and honest communication as a means to handle the 3 R’s: resentment, resistance and revenge. How else can you communicate responsibly?

On pages 53-56 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy I discuss the rules for fair fighting. One rule is to come up with a code word. This is a word, which once agreed upon, signals that a fair fight is about to begin. It also signifies that you are going to fight by the fair fighting rules.

Open and Honest Communication

The use of code words can extend to other situations in our lives besides fair fights. Once when my family and I were in Hawaii for a Christian leadership conference, my daughter, Crystal, approached me and said that she was in the 3 R’s. When I asked why she was in the 3 R’s, she said, “You flew the whole family here to Hawaii, it’s sunny outside and we ought to be on the beach playing volleyball with each other. Instead, you’re marketing to these ministers.” In her eyes, I was doing business on family time.

I was busted! Not only did I resolve this problem by eliminating some business appointments and spending time with my family, Crystal and I invented our own private code word: Bob Harrison. Bob Harrison is the name of the man who put on the conference we were attending. Now anytime Crystal says, “Bob Harrison,” it reminds me that I’m doing business on family time.

For example, if the phone rings while we’re eating dinner and I stand up to answer it, Crystal will exclaim, “Bob Harrison!” She’s not foreseeing that Bob Harrison is on the phone—she’s reminding me not to do business on family time.

If Crystal constantly said, “Dad you made an agreement with me not to do business on family time and you’re breaking that agreement,” I might be mature enough to accept that. But by using a code word, her suggestion is much easier for me to take, and much gentler on our relationship.

Code words can be invented for use with different people and different situations. At the office we form a “V” with our fingers and press it to our foreheads to remind co-workers that they’re going victim. If they’re being whiny victims, we wiggle our fingers.

Again, the advantage of a code word is that it helps an individual to accept feedback without becoming defensive or going into the 3 R’s. The gentle suggestion of a “V” against the forehead doesn’t make the other person wrong. It’s a simple reminder that gives them the opportunity for them to say, “Oh, yeah, I didn’t see that,” and to work through it.

You can also invent code words for yourself. Sometimes when co-workers in my company don’t listen, I get frustrated and I tend to “go controller.” My voice raises and I get very intense. When I catch myself getting too intense, I laugh, “Ho, ho, ho,” like Santa Claus. In one meeting, we all laughed several times when I did the Santa-thing to break the downward spiral of me being too controlling and to help those around me from becoming defensive and shutting down.

As you can see by the examples regarding code words, there’s an advantage to having your family and friends attend Klemmer seminars. You will be able to communicate with the same language and on the basis of shared experiences. This can save a lot of time and energy for everyone and help create better and stronger relationships.

Be Inspired,

Brian Klemmer

How do you communicate when you are angry with someone else? As I discuss in If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy (page 52), there are responsible and irresponsible ways to handle resentment and let another person know that we are upset.

When we are not used to expressing our anger or have allowed it to bottle up over a period of time, our communication typically takes on negative tones. Honest communication that is non-responsible may be manifested in several ways.

You can communicate honestly, but non-responsibly by:

1) blaming the other person for how you feel.
2) embarrassing someone in order to get revenge.
3) leaving the receiving person or team with negativity they can do nothing about.

To illustrate this, imagine a garden hose that has lain dormant all winter. Then, on the first day of summer when you’re thirsty and you drink from it — UGH! Have you ever done that? It’s foul tasting!

Sometimes we are like the dormant hose. If you — or a person you are supporting in open, honest, responsible communication — have not communicated negative feelings in awhile, these feelings may come out like foul water from a dormant hose.

When learning to communicate open and honestly, try rehearsing your communication in front of someone you trust. Tell them what you are doing and request that they listen for blame versus responsible.

I once received an e-mail from a Klemmer & Associates seminar graduate who had an alcoholic, homeless father. During a Personal Mastery seminar, he determined that he was going to have an open communication with his dad. Fortunately he was wise; he chose to run his thoughts by his mother first. She recognized that her son was coming from a perspective of blame.

As a result of his mother’s input, the man changed his approach. He told his father how angry he had been, and how sad he was that their relationship wasn’t what it could be. All this was communicated without anger. According to the man’s e-mail, he and his father walked down the beach and had one of the greatest conversations of their lives.

Responsible communication always begins with I. The feelings you express are yours, so own them. How does this sound? One example is, “I felt this way when you did this.” Actually come out and say that you are not blaming the other person. Express that the reason you are communicating openly and honestly is because you desire a better relationship.

Brian

PS – Attend our FREE Champions Online workshop and learn the million dollar formula you can use to create spectacular results in your life.

The 3Rs — resentment, resistance and revenge — represent one of the most self-destructive paradigms I have seen, yet it is also unbelievably prevalent. Let’s start by focusing on the first of the 3Rs: resentment.

As I discuss in chapter 3 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy, resentment is any negative emotional reaction to what we think was said or done. There are many situations that can spark resentment in us. We might be resentful when people we love get sick or die. Sometimes we become resentful when our hard work doesn’t pay off. Resentment can creep into our lives when we don’t get the recognition we deserve or when acts of nature, such as floods and fires, affect our lives.

Resentment

Many of us wear a set of sunglasses — or have the viewpoint — that resentment is bad or inherently wrong. If that is true for you, then you might further complicate the problem by thinking that if resentment is bad and you are resentful, then you must also be bad.

The problem with this viewpoint is that there is no way any of us can exist in the physical world we live in without this emotional reaction. There is a danger if you become resentful about being resentful. Then you might, in fact, resist going into resentment or resist anything that might lead to it. This puts you in a never-ending cycle that you can’t get out of.

Of course there are prices to pay for resentment, but there are prices all of us pay for everything we do. So, be okay with resentment. It will happen no matter how great your relationships with others are, or how great the company you work for is. What is NOT OKAY is to stay in resentment.The key is not allowing resentment to progress into resistance, because then the prices you pay increase.

As an example of this progression, let’s look at an employee who doesn’t feel appreciated and has resentment. If he doesn’t deal with his feelings, then he can go into resistance. This can lead to reduced communication, apathy or indifference. And then his attitude can turn into revenge when he badmouths the employer or thinks, I will do my job, but that is all you will get out of me.

How do you know if you are in resistance? If you stay upset about an experience, then you are in resistance. Another sign is numbness or apathy. If you are to be good at anything — your business, relationships, sports, etc. — then you must be okay with resentment, and you must have systems to handle it when it does occur. This puts you in charge of your feelings, instead of allowing your feelings to be in charge of you. We will talk about these in upcoming articles.

Brian Klemmer

How does the world look to us when we view it without the pair of sunglasses called right and wrong? As mentioned in a recent post titled “How Does the Right/Wrong Paradigm Color Your Experience“, the right/wrong paradigm is a context for looking at life in which one person is right and the other is wrong. Further, the belief is that in order to give up making the other person wrong then they, themselves, have got to be wrong.

Within this paradigm, one of us has always got to be wrong. If you can get outside this mode of thinking, then all of a sudden you’re in a space alive with possibilities. So let’s look at two examples from an area closest to all of us: family.

I come from a family that values education highly. Everybody in my family went to college. However, my oldest son, Kelly, did not like school. It isn’t that he’s not smart; he just wasn’t into school.

From within the right/wrong paradigm, one of us had to be wrong and because of the importance I placed on education, I definitely made him wrong for not being into school. As long as I made Kelly wrong, he turned around and made me wrong.

This continued to the point that when he was thirteen or fourteen I almost drove him out of the house and into a boarding school. But I eventually came to my senses. I examined all the prices – not just what I was paying, but what my wife, daughter and both my sons were paying – and I stopped resisting Kelly.

Resistance is really what is behind the right/wrong way of looking at circumstances. It comes from thinking that the situation isn’t the way that it should be. When I could say, “Okay, this is the way he is, where do we go from here?” possibilities opened up.

I may not have gotten Kelly to work hard at school, but at least now we could communicate. Now we could have an intimate relationship and talk about alternatives. He was open to my input, even though we saw this one area differently. As it turned out, Kelly ended up going to college and graduating, anyway!

Another illustration has to do with money, my wife Roma, and me. I used to make Roma wrong for not saving enough money. On the other hand, I was willing to risk great amounts of money, and she made me wrong for risking too much money and not living enough in the now.

We were at a point of stalemate by making each other wrong. One of the ways we moved out of this stalemate was by looking at the needs each of us was trying to meet. By moving out of making her wrong, I saw that Roma desired the freedom to spend money the way she wanted to. That insight made it possible to look for ways to solve that need.

So, we came up with a solution. As the income earner in the family, I would provide a fixed amount of money every month from which the bills would be paid. If Roma saved money from that base amount, then she could spend it any way she wanted. For instance, if she wanted to buy a couch, I could no longer make her wrong for buying a couch. On the flip side, if I created any money above the base amount I provided for her, I could save it, invest it, or do whatever I wanted with it, and she wouldn’t complain.

I relate these examples not to communicate ways to solve specific family problems. The larger lesson is to show how thinking outside the right/wrong box looks, and to show how this new paradigm opens up abundant possibilities for success in relationships and other areas of our lives.

Think Outside The Box,

Brian

PS – Attend a FREE Champions Online Workshop to learn more ways you can think outside the box.

There is a set of sunglasses we wear that colors our experiences in the context of right and wrong. When considering this, I am not speaking in terms of morality, but about a person’s experience. More specifically, within this context one person is right and the other person is wrong.

Over the years I have come to see that everyone wears this pair of sunglasses to some degree or another. I have also observed that this way of looking at the world is one of the most difficult paradigms to change.

To understand this, let’s look at some of the other “sunglasses” that we wear. One example would be someone who is accustomed to operating from a context of low trust. It is relatively easy to see that the opposite pair of sunglasses would be high trust. Another example has to do with risk. If someone operates from a context of low risk, then it is fairly obvious that high risk is the converse pair of sunglasses.

However, if someone wears a pair of sunglasses called right and wrong, then in their mind to give up being right would mean they are wrong. That is still operating from behind a pair of right and wrong sunglasses. If you take off these sunglasses, the concept of right and wrong doesn’t even exist, and that opens up a realm where abundant opportunities are possible.

The difficulty that lies in viewing the world from this paradigm can be illustrated with an example from sales. Suppose you are a salesperson trying to sell a product or an opportunity. Then suppose the customer tells you that they don’t have the money for your product or opportunity. If you are coming from a right/wrong paradigm, you will probably respond by showing the customer how they really do have the money.

How might this come across to the prospect? It will seem as if you are saying that they are wrong because they do have the money. Since no one likes to be wrong, the customer will probably dig in their feet and look at you as wrong. The end result, of course, is that no sale will be made.

How can you — as the salesperson – approach a prospect without right and wrong sunglasses on? You can use a concept called feel/felt/found. When the prospect says they don’t have the money, instead of pointing out ways that they (in your eyes) are wasting money that might go toward the product, you could say, “I know how you feel. I’ve felt the same way.”

If you have taken the Klemmer Heart of the Samurai seminar, then you are familiar with the basic principle from aikido of taking the wrist of the person coming at you and using their energy to get them to walk in the same direction as you. Likewise, these feel/felt comments get you and the prospect going in the same direction. It is at this point that the “found” part of feel/felt/found comes in.

You could say something such as, “What I’ve found out is, the situation doesn’t change unless I do something different. Unless I invest money – which makes the short-term harder – I don’t have a chance for longer term gain.” Or you might say, “What I’ve found is, there are ways of saving money that aren’t obvious right off the bat, such as….” In this way, feel/felt/found opens up options that could not be seen from within the context of right and wrong.

Success!

Brian Klemmer