What is the right thing? A right thing is something that is in alignment with a person’s purpose. One of the things I discuss in my latest book, The Compassionate Samurai, is the importance of being clear about your purpose. The difference between having a significant life and a successful life is knowing what your purpose is and how it fits into the greater scope of the world.

Moreover, it’s important to be clear about your purpose for the day. For example, if you receive a phone call it may be a nice call to take, but it may not be the right thing because it doesn’t fit in with your purpose for that day. A lot of things can be good. But good things are not always the right things.

Doing things right, on the other hand, means doing what fits in with the fundamental principles that you have decided to live your life by, such as the principles committed to in the Advanced Leadership seminar. If a decision or activity you have before you doesn’t align with those, then it’s not the right way.

There’s a quaint story about Lincoln that involves doing the right thing and doing things right. During the Civil War, the Confederates were banging at the door of Washington, D.C. At the same time, Colonel Scott, the senior officer in charge of defending Washington, was informed that his wife had died. Scott asked his commanding officer if he could leave to be with his family for the funeral, but the officer declined his request because of the Confederate attack.
Colonel Scott took his case all the way up the chain of command to the secretary of war, a man named Stanton. Even Stanton declined to let Scott go. Desperate, Colonel Scott approached the president, Abraham Lincoln. President Lincoln blew up. Couldn’t Scott see that he, Lincoln, had bigger decisions to make than this? Why didn’t Scott listen to his chain of command? But the next day Lincoln sought out Colonel Scott, apologized, and gave him permission to visit his family.

There are differing viewpoints about how Lincoln should have handled this situation. One is that Lincoln did the right thing, but he did it the wrong way. And the second day, he did the wrong thing because of his guilt, but did it the right way. What do you think? How do you know what is right and what the right way is?

Not only do you need to be clear about what your life purpose is, but you also need to know what your purpose is for tomorrow, for this week, for the year. And you need to be very clear about the principles that you want to live by so that when the need arises, you will be able to make right decisions based on those principles. Check out our Leadership Training

Brian

PS – Tell me what you think. Join the conversation and leave a comment!

One is to agree with whatever is being said, and the other is to disagree. We often listen from a standpoint of whether we’re going to agree with what’s being said, or whether we’re going to disagree. This is listening with a filter. It prevents us from being present–or “being with”–the person we’re talking to.

Here’s an example. When one of our multi-level clients talks to someone about a business opportunity, one response might be, “Oh, multi-level. That’s a pyramid scheme.” Because they’ve heard something about multi-level marketing before, the client is being present to agree/disagree, not present with the person speaking with them.

Or, the response could be positive. “Oh, network marketing, I’ve heard about that.” In this case the client is listening from an agree standpoint, but they still have a filter up. They’re not being present to the person right in front of them.

We teach the three ways to listen at the Personal Mastery seminar for a reason. Most people show up with a mindset, “What you’re saying doesn’t fit with what I say, so I disagree,” or “What you’re saying does fit with what I say, so I agree.” Because the focus is on agreeing or disagreeing, all they can possibly end up with is what they already know. There’s no chance to discover anything new.

Since to think is to create, and the person’s thinking hasn’t changed, they haven’t discovered anything new. They can’t grow. They’re stuck.

What’s at work here is subconscious thinking, which makes ninety-nine percent of our decisions for us. But, unless we’re aware of our subconscious thinking, we’ll be unaware of why we make the decisions we do. It’s like driving down the road of life blind. How can we have revelations about our subconscious thinking so that we can get unstuck?

• Practice being with. Keep your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical natures present.
• Notice what you’re experiencing in terms of your feelings and behavior.
• Ask yourself: What thinking is causing that feeling or behavior?

When I went through West Point, I had the perception that I was very honest. If you lie, cheat or steal, they throw you out. Later, in an exercise set up by my mentor, Tom, I had to reveal to a group of people what really mattered to me and what I wanted to improve on. I said that I wanted to be more organized. In the greater scope of my life, that was not what really mattered to me!

What I really wanted was a wildly romantic, long-lasting relationship. But I was afraid to tell people that, because I was afraid of what they might think. Well, to think is to create.

I examined the thinking that generated my behavior and noticed two things. One, my behavior was run by what other people thought of me, and two, I was not honest about revealing everything there was to reveal.

As I related that to relationships, I saw why I lacked the intimacy I really wanted and why I didn’t have a wildly romantic, long-lasting relationship. I was honest — I didn’t lie — but I found it very difficult to let the walls down and be open with my feelings. Once I saw that, I was able to make a shift and grow from there.

Brian

P.S. – Learn more about the Klemmer leadership training experience to reveal the belief systems that are holding you back from the results you want in your business and personal life.

Being with is a way of listening to people. It’s listening to others without any filters up. One filter compares whatever is said to your own personal experience. Another filter is listening with an agenda in mind, wondering what you’re going to get out of the conversation. There’s also the “right/wrong” filter where we constantly assess I’m right/they’re right, or I’m right/they’re wrong, etc. When you practice being with, you are present without any filters between you and the other person.

You are also present as a whole person. Every person is made up of a mind, body, feelings, and spiritual nature. When you’re being with, all four of these are present in the moment.

To help in understanding being with, let’s look at some examples of what it looks like when we’re not being with. Suppose I’m golfing. I’m looking at the ball in front of me, but thinking about the last ball that hooked or sliced. I’m not really being with the ball in front of me. Or suppose I think, Oh gosh, I should be at home with my wife and kids. Then I’m not being with the ball, either. Not being with my golf game ruins my efficiency and effectiveness.

Intimacy is effectiveness in the realm of personal or business relationships. Suppose I am embarrassed at a management meeting at work. When I come home from work my body may be home, but my emotions are still with the management meeting. Or, if I didn’t complete my work, I may be physically with my family, but my mind is still at the office. You can see how intimacy in relationships can suffer when we don’t practice being with!
How can you practice being with? One way is simply to be conscious of it. Decide that you’re going to be totally present. Quiet all the noise in your mind and cut out all distractions. When you’re being with, you’re very aware of what’s going on with the other person.

Recently I had a phone conference scheduled for 9:00 a.m., but was running late. I knew I would get to the office just at 9:00 and then there would be various details in the office to take care of. The last-minute rush and distractions in the office would keep me from being with the person on the other end of the line. So, I asked if we could begin ten minutes later. That gave me the opportunity to come to a place of ground and center, a concept taught in the Leadership Training Seminar. I could ask myself, “What’s my purpose?” to quiet my mind and cut out all distractions.

Another way of being with is to ask, “Hey, do you really feel me being present with you, or do you feel like my mind is somewhere else?” Most people know whether you’re being with them or not; they can feel it. Perhaps you’ve listened to a salesperson intent on sticking with their script and closing the deal, rather than being with you. Even though you may not be aware of what’s happening, most likely you will not buy the product or participate in the business opportunity.

Practice the art of being with and watch your levels of efficiency, effectiveness, and intimacy increase.

Brian

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In order to maintain being a good person, you must think of examples of revenge that you would never do. One of the ways to do this is by thinking that revenge is doing something extreme to someone else, such as taking out a gun and shooting them. If you don’t shoot other people, then you don’t exact revenge — and therefore you are a good person. This is often how our brains work regarding revenge!

Revenge!

So, in order to discuss revenge, we must define it. Revenge is any attempt to settle the score with someone. For example, perhaps an employee gave their viewpoint to a coworker, but the coworker didn’t respond. As a result, the employee doesn’t feel heard. The employee might then make a snide comment, one that puts down the coworker. That’s revenge.

Hidden inside most of our minds is a little scorecard, or bank account, for each person in our lives. For example, I know a woman who must ask her husband several times to do things for her. Sometimes, no matter how often she asks, he doesn’t do them at all. Then she starts to plot how to get back at him, how to settle the score. That’s revenge.

The revenge can take several forms. She can conveniently not be available to cook dinner or not be in the mood for sex. She can turn her back on him and migrate to another part of the house so that he can’t communicate with her. What is the solution for this woman? To recognize that she is in the revenge stage of the 3R’s and move into giving, fair-fighting or open, honest communication.

An example from my own family took place when one of my sons was 16 or 17 years old. At that time this son began to break his curfew. At first, my response was to get angry at his behavior. But then I realized that I couldn’t stop him from breaking curfew and surrendered to it. Then I told my son that I knew I couldn’t control him. I couldn’t make him do anything. I also informed him that if he broke curfew again, it would result in an immediate consequence: the door to his room would be removed.

Sure enough, a day or two later when he was late, instead of going into the 3Rs and getting angry, I took the door off his room. He made his choice and got the promised consequence. It wasn’t long before my son begged me to put the door back on, but I waited two or three days to do that. As you might imagine, that was the last time we had problems with him breaking curfew!

Revenge, or settling the score, is destructive to all parties involved, including the one who carries out the revenge. Recognizing this attitude doesn’t mean we’re bad. Like resentment and resistance, having the courage to recognize revenge and deal with it through giving, fair-fighting, or open and honest communication brings release, energy and increased creativity.

For more on Leadership Training and revenge and how to avoid being controlled by it, see pages 47-56 of my book, If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich & Happy.

Be Exceptional,

Brian

When this is the case, consider giving as the solution to resolve the 3Rs in your life. On pages 50-52 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy there is a basic discussion of the importance of giving and the 3Rs. Let’s follow that, now, with one example of how giving worked in my life.

When I left a company I used to work for, they owed me about $16,000 for flight fares and work I’d completed as an independent contractor. The woman who owned the company said, “You’re never going to see that money,” and then she laughed and added, “Of course we’ll pay it; we always pay our bills.”

The reality was, this company didn’t always pay the bills and that was one of the reasons I left. It was at this point that the resentment began to kick in for me. I had worked 18 years to build this multi-million dollar company and now they wouldn’t pay me a measly 16 grand!

I realized that the owner was mad at me because, among other things, she was afraid that I was going to steal the whole company from her when I left. Every time I called to ask about the payment, her response was, “Oh, I’ve already taken care of that, I’ve talked to the accountant.” The truth was, she wasn’t going to pay me. Obviously, she was mad at me, and then I became angry. We were both in resistance!

Finally -– it only took a year-and-a-half! –- I said to myself, “Oops, I’d better start practicing what I preach.” Once I recognized that I was in the 3Rs, I realized that I needed to give to this woman. But what could I give her?

I wrote the owner a letter and said that the $16,000 she owed was now a gift from me to her. I didn’t do this to be some goody-two-shoes. Quite honestly, I figured I could make the money back quickly enough. But this situation was costing more than money.

It took its toll on me creatively. It cost me time. I’d get off the phone with this company and complain to the people around me and that would mess up their creativity. So, when giving to this company freed me from resentment, it brought with it an explosion of energy and creativity -— to me and the people associated with me.

This illustration shows how destructive the 3Rs can be, and how giving can free us from them. Through the use of giving -– along with the other tools of fair fighting and open, honest communication -– we can deal with the 3Rs and enhance the creativity in our lives.

Brian

On pages 53-56 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy I discuss the rules for fair fighting. One rule is to come up with a code word. This is a word, which once agreed upon, signals that a fair fight is about to begin. It also signifies that you are going to fight by the fair fighting rules.

Open and Honest Communication

The use of code words can extend to other situations in our lives besides fair fights. Once when my family and I were in Hawaii for a Christian leadership conference, my daughter, Crystal, approached me and said that she was in the 3 R’s. When I asked why she was in the 3 R’s, she said, “You flew the whole family here to Hawaii, it’s sunny outside and we ought to be on the beach playing volleyball with each other. Instead, you’re marketing to these ministers.” In her eyes, I was doing business on family time.

I was busted! Not only did I resolve this problem by eliminating some business appointments and spending time with my family, Crystal and I invented our own private code word: Bob Harrison. Bob Harrison is the name of the man who put on the conference we were attending. Now anytime Crystal says, “Bob Harrison,” it reminds me that I’m doing business on family time.

For example, if the phone rings while we’re eating dinner and I stand up to answer it, Crystal will exclaim, “Bob Harrison!” She’s not foreseeing that Bob Harrison is on the phone—she’s reminding me not to do business on family time.

If Crystal constantly said, “Dad you made an agreement with me not to do business on family time and you’re breaking that agreement,” I might be mature enough to accept that. But by using a code word, her suggestion is much easier for me to take, and much gentler on our relationship.

Code words can be invented for use with different people and different situations. At the office we form a “V” with our fingers and press it to our foreheads to remind co-workers that they’re going victim. If they’re being whiny victims, we wiggle our fingers.

Again, the advantage of a code word is that it helps an individual to accept feedback without becoming defensive or going into the 3 R’s. The gentle suggestion of a “V” against the forehead doesn’t make the other person wrong. It’s a simple reminder that gives them the opportunity for them to say, “Oh, yeah, I didn’t see that,” and to work through it.

You can also invent code words for yourself. Sometimes when co-workers in my company don’t listen, I get frustrated and I tend to “go controller.” My voice raises and I get very intense. When I catch myself getting too intense, I laugh, “Ho, ho, ho,” like Santa Claus. In one meeting, we all laughed several times when I did the Santa-thing to break the downward spiral of me being too controlling and to help those around me from becoming defensive and shutting down.

As you can see by the examples regarding code words, there’s an advantage to having your family and friends attend Klemmer seminars. You will be able to communicate with the same language and on the basis of shared experiences. This can save a lot of time and energy for everyone and help create better and stronger relationships.

Be Inspired,

Brian Klemmer

How does the world look to us when we view it without the pair of sunglasses called right and wrong? As mentioned in a recent post titled “How Does the Right/Wrong Paradigm Color Your Experience“, the right/wrong paradigm is a context for looking at life in which one person is right and the other is wrong. Further, the belief is that in order to give up making the other person wrong then they, themselves, have got to be wrong.

Within this paradigm, one of us has always got to be wrong. If you can get outside this mode of thinking, then all of a sudden you’re in a space alive with possibilities. So let’s look at two examples from an area closest to all of us: family.

I come from a family that values education highly. Everybody in my family went to college. However, my oldest son, Kelly, did not like school. It isn’t that he’s not smart; he just wasn’t into school.

From within the right/wrong paradigm, one of us had to be wrong and because of the importance I placed on education, I definitely made him wrong for not being into school. As long as I made Kelly wrong, he turned around and made me wrong.

This continued to the point that when he was thirteen or fourteen I almost drove him out of the house and into a boarding school. But I eventually came to my senses. I examined all the prices – not just what I was paying, but what my wife, daughter and both my sons were paying – and I stopped resisting Kelly.

Resistance is really what is behind the right/wrong way of looking at circumstances. It comes from thinking that the situation isn’t the way that it should be. When I could say, “Okay, this is the way he is, where do we go from here?” possibilities opened up.

I may not have gotten Kelly to work hard at school, but at least now we could communicate. Now we could have an intimate relationship and talk about alternatives. He was open to my input, even though we saw this one area differently. As it turned out, Kelly ended up going to college and graduating, anyway!

Another illustration has to do with money, my wife Roma, and me. I used to make Roma wrong for not saving enough money. On the other hand, I was willing to risk great amounts of money, and she made me wrong for risking too much money and not living enough in the now.

We were at a point of stalemate by making each other wrong. One of the ways we moved out of this stalemate was by looking at the needs each of us was trying to meet. By moving out of making her wrong, I saw that Roma desired the freedom to spend money the way she wanted to. That insight made it possible to look for ways to solve that need.

So, we came up with a solution. As the income earner in the family, I would provide a fixed amount of money every month from which the bills would be paid. If Roma saved money from that base amount, then she could spend it any way she wanted. For instance, if she wanted to buy a couch, I could no longer make her wrong for buying a couch. On the flip side, if I created any money above the base amount I provided for her, I could save it, invest it, or do whatever I wanted with it, and she wouldn’t complain.

I relate these examples not to communicate ways to solve specific family problems. The larger lesson is to show how thinking outside the right/wrong box looks, and to show how this new paradigm opens up abundant possibilities for success in relationships and other areas of our lives.

Think Outside The Box,

Brian

PS – Attend a FREE Champions Online Workshop to learn more ways you can think outside the box.

The ugly side of dreams is an article I am in the process of writing that refers to the unknown prices we will have to pay to make dreams happen. I recently made some of the toughest decisions I have ever made involving friendships and the business of Klemmer & Associates Leadership Seminars Inc. I had no idea I would have to make those kinds of decisions when I started Klemmer & Associates.

It has caused me to reflect on other prices I have had to pay for any dream I have had. My wife and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary. To make an exciting intimate relationship last that long I have been challenged and stretched and paid prices that never crossed my mind when I proposed. When I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ as both my Lord and Savior I never suspected that my biggest critics would be Christians not non-believers.

When I enrolled at the United States Military Academy in 1968 to serve my country I knew I would have physical challenges but I had no idea of dealing with drug addicts returning from Vietnam who were good people or having a gun held to my head by someone in our army. Maybe it’s good that we don’t know all the prices up front or we probably would not start or follow very many dreams. At the same time there seems to be a need to prepare people that nothing in life comes free.

When we start a dream we are infatuated with possibilities which are good. I think we also need to have someone as a mentor who toughens us up for the onslaught of resistance we will meet. I have often said that “nothing great becomes great without overcoming great resistance”. So share your thoughts with me on a dream you have and prices you paid to get there that you had no idea you would encounter when you signed up for the dream.

How to be happy. That’s really what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Even if life has been chugging along at a fairly joyous pace, most of us would admit a little more happy couldn’t hurt. Often all that requires is a gentle reminder of how good we already have it or a simple tweaking of our glass-half-empty perspectives in order to turn the tide. This column will do that just that. Each week, Sarah Treleaven will seek out someone who has gained wisdom and insight into how to live a happier, more fulfilling existence and she will get their best advice.

Brian Klemmer, an international consultant, author and speaker, believes that finding your purpose and exercising compassion are the keys to an abundant life – in both personal and financial realms. In his best-selling book, The Compassionate Samurai: Being Extraordinary in an Ordinary World, Mr. Klemmer describes how to live by the code of the Samurai, which includes an emphasis on personal values and civic service. Here, he explains how thinking big and giving to others is the true measure of success.

Last week: Daniel Nettle, Reader in Psychology in the Centre for Behaviour and Evolution at Newcastle University in England, and the author of Happiness: The Science Behind Your Smile posits that maybe we don’t want to be happy.

Q: Are you happy?

A: Yes, I am happy. I believe happiness is knowing that you are where you are supposed to be. It is being in alignment with your purpose. This is very different than the feeling one has when they accomplish something or buy something new, which I call gratification. Gratification is dependent on circumstances whereas happiness or contentment is not subject to circumstances as one can be in alignment with their purpose EVEN when they have circumstances they don’t like. Pain eliminates gratification but not contentment.

Q: Why are you happy? When was the last time you were happiest?

A: Every day I am happy because I am constantly aligning myself and whatever circumstances I am in to support my purpose of creating bold ethical leaders [who are] committed to creating a world that works for everyone and where no one is left out. If you are talking about the state of gratification, related to circumstances, then I would say the week our graduates donated half a million dollars toward ending violence amongst youth and raised another $127,000 to build homes for the homeless.

Q: What or who is a Compassionate Samurai?

A: The Samurai were feared and respected warriors who lived by a strict code of values and whose life was about service. There is a similar dichotomy between nice people and result-producers. I want people to realize that it is possible to be both. That is what a Compassionate Samurai is: Someone with strong values who can absolutely make anything happen and yet whose whole life is about service.

Q: You acknowledge you live in a big house and drive a luxury car. Do material things make you happy?

A: No, material things do not make you happy. Neither does success. Look at all the famous wealthy people who get messed up on drugs because they are unhappy. But material things are not the problem. Mediocrity is also the height of selfishness. It is saying I have enough for me and I don’t care about you. Being in alignment with your purpose makes you happy and you can do that with or without material things, in good health or poor health, married or single. It is critical to know one’s purpose and to look for a way to align current circumstances to support your purpose.

Q: Why do most people think that material things will make them happy?

A: North Americans have been brainwashed into believing that success is measured by accumulation. This leaves many people, who are compassionate and kind, thinking that in order to be successful we must be greedy and self-centered. I’ve met many people who make large annual salaries but feel unmotivated. It’s because they are selfish. I want to re-define success as making a real contribution in society. Most people feel incomplete and are trying to fill that hole with material things.

Q: How do you reconcile the drive for commercial success with the desire to lead a fulfilled life? Is it possible to be totally ethical and makes lots of money?

A: First of all, the world’s predominant view or definition of success is oriented around consumption, acquisition and accumulation. A Compassionate Samurai has success defined around contribution. A Compassionate Samurai will accumulate things for the purpose of contributing more. Average people accumulate just to accumulate. There are plenty of people who say they are following their purpose but deny commercial success only to be able to serve less people. Ethics or character is actually a key to creating financial prosperity and keeping it. Show me a person, company or country without ethics or character and I will show you one that won’t last. So yes, you can be ethical and create wealth. I want to let people know that it is possible to be a mover and shaker in the business and political world, to enjoy great relationships and the finer things in life, and still be a caring person aware of the needs of others.

Q: You contribute to a number of charitable organizations. Why does giving to others help you to feel happy and fulfilled?

A: Giving and causing thousands of others to give at a bigger level is in alignment with my purpose. I also believe we are all connected – not just in a realm where the human eye can see. So any time one contributes to another, they [have an impact on] themselves and it feels good.

Q: Is it difficult to give when so many people are taking?

A: No. My behavior is not dictated by what others do or what others think of me. I have consciously decided the values and principles I want to live my life by. Compassionate Samurai hold principles above personal gain. Average people hold personal gain above principles.

Q: What advice do you have about being happy and living life to the fullest?

A: Read the Compassionate Samurai and make a practice of applying it. Knowing one’s purpose is a first step. Fulfillment comes from fulfilling a purpose. That’s different than being successful or productive. It is acting from these ten traits of a Compassionate Samurai – such as boldness, personal responsibility, honesty, abundance – that will create an extraordinary life that is fulfilled and happy.

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