In our last article we talked about open and honest communication as a means to handle the 3 R’s: resentment, resistance and revenge. How else can you communicate responsibly?

On pages 53-56 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy I discuss the rules for fair fighting. One rule is to come up with a code word. This is a word, which once agreed upon, signals that a fair fight is about to begin. It also signifies that you are going to fight by the fair fighting rules.

Open and Honest Communication

The use of code words can extend to other situations in our lives besides fair fights. Once when my family and I were in Hawaii for a Christian leadership conference, my daughter, Crystal, approached me and said that she was in the 3 R’s. When I asked why she was in the 3 R’s, she said, “You flew the whole family here to Hawaii, it’s sunny outside and we ought to be on the beach playing volleyball with each other. Instead, you’re marketing to these ministers.” In her eyes, I was doing business on family time.

I was busted! Not only did I resolve this problem by eliminating some business appointments and spending time with my family, Crystal and I invented our own private code word: Bob Harrison. Bob Harrison is the name of the man who put on the conference we were attending. Now anytime Crystal says, “Bob Harrison,” it reminds me that I’m doing business on family time.

For example, if the phone rings while we’re eating dinner and I stand up to answer it, Crystal will exclaim, “Bob Harrison!” She’s not foreseeing that Bob Harrison is on the phone—she’s reminding me not to do business on family time.

If Crystal constantly said, “Dad you made an agreement with me not to do business on family time and you’re breaking that agreement,” I might be mature enough to accept that. But by using a code word, her suggestion is much easier for me to take, and much gentler on our relationship.

Code words can be invented for use with different people and different situations. At the office we form a “V” with our fingers and press it to our foreheads to remind co-workers that they’re going victim. If they’re being whiny victims, we wiggle our fingers.

Again, the advantage of a code word is that it helps an individual to accept feedback without becoming defensive or going into the 3 R’s. The gentle suggestion of a “V” against the forehead doesn’t make the other person wrong. It’s a simple reminder that gives them the opportunity for them to say, “Oh, yeah, I didn’t see that,” and to work through it.

You can also invent code words for yourself. Sometimes when co-workers in my company don’t listen, I get frustrated and I tend to “go controller.” My voice raises and I get very intense. When I catch myself getting too intense, I laugh, “Ho, ho, ho,” like Santa Claus. In one meeting, we all laughed several times when I did the Santa-thing to break the downward spiral of me being too controlling and to help those around me from becoming defensive and shutting down.

As you can see by the examples regarding code words, there’s an advantage to having your family and friends attend Klemmer seminars. You will be able to communicate with the same language and on the basis of shared experiences. This can save a lot of time and energy for everyone and help create better and stronger relationships.

Be Inspired,

Brian Klemmer