Two Facets of Leadership
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There are two very different facets of leadership: doing the right thing and doing things right.
What is the right thing? A right thing is something that is in alignment with a person’s purpose. One of the things I discuss in my latest book, The Compassionate Samurai, is the importance of being clear about your purpose. The difference between having a significant life and a successful life is knowing what your purpose is and how it fits into the greater scope of the world.
Moreover, it’s important to be clear about your purpose for the day. For example, if you receive a phone call it may be a nice call to take, but it may not be the right thing because it doesn’t fit in with your purpose for that day. A lot of things can be good. But good things are not always the right things.
Doing things right, on the other hand, means doing what fits in with the fundamental principles that you have decided to live your life by, such as the principles committed to in the Advanced Leadership seminar. If a decision or activity you have before you doesn’t align with those, then it’s not the right way.
There’s a quaint story about Lincoln that involves doing the right thing and doing things right. During the Civil War, the Confederates were banging at the door of Washington, D.C. At the same time, Colonel Scott, the senior officer in charge of defending Washington, was informed that his wife had died. Scott asked his commanding officer if he could leave to be with his family for the funeral, but the officer declined his request because of the Confederate attack.
Colonel Scott took his case all the way up the chain of command to the secretary of war, a man named Stanton. Even Stanton declined to let Scott go. Desperate, Colonel Scott approached the president, Abraham Lincoln. President Lincoln blew up. Couldn’t Scott see that he, Lincoln, had bigger decisions to make than this? Why didn’t Scott listen to his chain of command? But the next day Lincoln sought out Colonel Scott, apologized, and gave him permission to visit his family.
There are differing viewpoints about how Lincoln should have handled this situation. One is that Lincoln did the right thing, but he did it the wrong way. And the second day, he did the wrong thing because of his guilt, but did it the right way. What do you think? How do you know what is right and what the right way is?
Not only do you need to be clear about what your life purpose is, but you also need to know what your purpose is for tomorrow, for this week, for the year. And you need to be very clear about the principles that you want to live by so that when the need arises, you will be able to make right decisions based on those principles.
Brian
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Be Aware of How You Listen to Improve Your Growth
In the last article we talked about one of three ways of listening, “being with.” What are the other two ways of listening?
One is to agree with whatever is being said, and the other is to disagree. We often listen from a standpoint of whether we’re going to agree with what’s being said, or whether we’re going to disagree. This is listening with a filter. It prevents us from being present–or “being with”–the person we’re talking to.
Here’s an example. When one of our multi-level clients talks to someone about a business opportunity, one response might be, “Oh, multi-level. That’s a pyramid scheme.” Because they’ve heard something about multi-level marketing before, the client is being present to agree/disagree, not present with the person speaking with them.
Or, the response could be positive. “Oh, network marketing, I’ve heard about that.” In this case the client is listening from an agree standpoint, but they still have a filter up. They’re not being present to the person right in front of them.
We teach the three ways to listen at the Personal Mastery seminar for a reason. Most people show up with a mindset, “What you’re saying doesn’t fit with what I say, so I disagree,” or “What you’re saying does fit with what I say, so I agree.” Because the focus is on agreeing or disagreeing, all they can possibly end up with is what they already know. There’s no chance to discover anything new.
Since to think is to create, and the person’s thinking hasn’t changed, they haven’t discovered anything new. They can’t grow. They’re stuck.
What’s at work here is subconscious thinking, which makes ninety-nine percent of our decisions for us. But, unless we’re aware of our subconscious thinking, we’ll be unaware of why we make the decisions we do. It’s like driving down the road of life blind. How can we have revelations about our subconscious thinking so that we can get unstuck?
- Practice being with. Keep your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical natures present.
- Notice what you’re experiencing in terms of your feelings and behavior.
- Ask yourself: What thinking is causing that feeling or behavior?
When I went through West Point, I had the perception that I was very honest. If you lie, cheat or steal, they throw you out. Later, in an exercise set up by my mentor, Tom, I had to reveal to a group of people what really mattered to me and what I wanted to improve on. I said that I wanted to be more organized. In the greater scope of my life, that was not what really mattered to me!
What I really wanted was a wildly romantic, long-lasting relationship. But I was afraid to tell people that, because I was afraid of what they might think. Well, to think is to create.
I examined the thinking that generated my behavior and noticed two things. One, my behavior was run by what other people thought of me, and two, I was not honest about revealing everything there was to reveal.
As I related that to relationships, I saw why I lacked the intimacy I really wanted and why I didn’t have a wildly romantic, long-lasting relationship. I was honest — I didn’t lie — but I found it very difficult to let the walls down and be open with my feelings. Once I saw that, I was able to make a shift and grow from there.
Brian
P.S. – Learn more about the Klemmer Personal Mastery workshop experience to reveal the belief systems that are holding you back from the results you want in your business and personal life.
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Do You Practice the Art of Being With?
Would you like to be more efficient, more effective, more intimate? Then join us in learning the art of being with.
Being with is a way of listening to people. It’s listening to others without any filters up. One filter compares whatever is said to your own personal experience. Another filter is listening with an agenda in mind, wondering what you’re going to get out of the conversation. There’s also the “right/wrong” filter where we constantly assess I’m right/they’re right, or I’m right/they’re wrong, etc. When you practice being with, you are present without any filters between you and the other person.
You are also present as a whole person. Every person is made up of a mind, body, feelings, and spiritual nature. When you’re being with, all four of these are present in the moment.
To help in understanding being with, let’s look at some examples of what it looks like when we’re not being with. Suppose I’m golfing. I’m looking at the ball in front of me, but thinking about the last ball that hooked or sliced. I’m not really being with the ball in front of me. Or suppose I think, Oh gosh, I should be at home with my wife and kids. Then I’m not being with the ball, either. Not being with my golf game ruins my efficiency and effectiveness.
Intimacy is effectiveness in the realm of personal or business relationships. Suppose I am embarrassed at a management meeting at work. When I come home from work my body may be home, but my emotions are still with the management meeting. Or, if I didn’t complete my work, I may be physically with my family, but my mind is still at the office. You can see how intimacy in relationships can suffer when we don’t practice being with!
How can you practice being with? One way is simply to be conscious of it. Decide that you’re going to be totally present. Quiet all the noise in your mind and cut out all distractions. When you’re being with, you’re very aware of what’s going on with the other person.
Recently I had a phone conference scheduled for 9:00 a.m., but was running late. I knew I would get to the office just at 9:00 and then there would be various details in the office to take care of. The last-minute rush and distractions in the office would keep me from being with the person on the other end of the line. So, I asked if we could begin ten minutes later. That gave me the opportunity to come to a place of ground and center, a concept taught in the Advanced Leadership Seminar. I could ask myself, “What’s my purpose?” to quiet my mind and cut out all distractions.
Another way of being with is to ask, “Hey, do you really feel me being present with you, or do you feel like my mind is somewhere else?” Most people know whether you’re being with them or not; they can feel it. Perhaps you’ve listened to a salesperson intent on sticking with their script and closing the deal, rather than being with you. Even though you may not be aware of what’s happening, most likely you will not buy the product or participate in the business opportunity.
Practice the art of being with and watch your levels of efficiency, effectiveness, and intimacy increase.
Brian
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Revenge!
When considering the third of the 3Rs, revenge, there’s often a short circuit that takes place in our minds. Suppose someone asked you if you ever took revenge on others. Now, if you’re like most people, you would think that you don’t take revenge. Your underlying thinking might be that if you did, it would mean that you’re a bad person.
In order to maintain being a good person, you must think of examples of revenge that you would never do. One of the ways to do this is by thinking that revenge is doing something extreme to someone else, such as taking out a gun and shooting them. If you don’t shoot other people, then you don’t exact revenge — and therefore you are a good person. This is often how our brains work regarding revenge!
Revenge!
So, in order to discuss revenge, we must define it. Revenge is any attempt to settle the score with someone. For example, perhaps an employee gave their viewpoint to a coworker, but the coworker didn’t respond. As a result, the employee doesn’t feel heard. The employee might then make a snide comment, one that puts down the coworker. That’s revenge.
Hidden inside most of our minds is a little scorecard, or bank account, for each person in our lives. For example, I know a woman who must ask her husband several times to do things for her. Sometimes, no matter how often she asks, he doesn’t do them at all. Then she starts to plot how to get back at him, how to settle the score. That’s revenge.
The revenge can take several forms. She can conveniently not be available to cook dinner or not be in the mood for sex. She can turn her back on him and migrate to another part of the house so that he can’t communicate with her. What is the solution for this woman? To recognize that she is in the revenge stage of the 3R’s and move into giving, fair-fighting or open, honest communication.
An example from my own family took place when one of my sons was 16 or 17 years old. At that time this son began to break his curfew. At first, my response was to get angry at his behavior. But then I realized that I couldn’t stop him from breaking curfew and surrendered to it. Then I told my son that I knew I couldn’t control him. I couldn’t make him do anything. I also informed him that if he broke curfew again, it would result in an immediate consequence: the door to his room would be removed.
Sure enough, a day or two later when he was late, instead of going into the 3Rs and getting angry, I took the door off his room. He made his choice and got the promised consequence. It wasn’t long before my son begged me to put the door back on, but I waited two or three days to do that. As you might imagine, that was the last time we had problems with him breaking curfew!
Revenge, or settling the score, is destructive to all parties involved, including the one who carries out the revenge. Recognizing this attitude doesn’t mean we’re bad. Like resentment and resistance, having the courage to recognize revenge and deal with it through giving, fair-fighting, or open and honest communication brings release, energy and increased creativity.
For more on revenge and how to avoid being controlled by it, see pages 47-56 of my book, If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich & Happy.
Be Exceptional,
Brian
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Give to Get Beyond Resentment and Revenge
There are times when open, honest communication and the use of code words and fair fighting may not work to get you out of the 3Rs. This can be the case when the person you feel resentment, resistance or revenge toward is not someone you can openly communicate with.
When this is the case, consider giving as the solution to resolve the 3Rs in your life. On pages 50-52 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy there is a basic discussion of the importance of giving and the 3Rs. Let’s follow that, now, with one example of how giving worked in my life.
When I left a company I used to work for, they owed me about $16,000 for flight fares and work I’d completed as an independent contractor. The woman who owned the company said, “You’re never going to see that money,” and then she laughed and added, “Of course we’ll pay it; we always pay our bills.”
The reality was, this company didn’t always pay the bills and that was one of the reasons I left. It was at this point that the resentment began to kick in for me. I had worked 18 years to build this multi-million dollar company and now they wouldn’t pay me a measly 16 grand!
I realized that the owner was mad at me because, among other things, she was afraid that I was going to steal the whole company from her when I left. Every time I called to ask about the payment, her response was, “Oh, I’ve already taken care of that, I’ve talked to the accountant.” The truth was, she wasn’t going to pay me. Obviously, she was mad at me, and then I became angry. We were both in resistance!
Finally -– it only took a year-and-a-half! –- I said to myself, “Oops, I’d better start practicing what I preach.” Once I recognized that I was in the 3Rs, I realized that I needed to give to this woman. But what could I give her?
I wrote the owner a letter and said that the $16,000 she owed was now a gift from me to her. I didn’t do this to be some goody-two-shoes. Quite honestly, I figured I could make the money back quickly enough. But this situation was costing more than money.
It took its toll on me creatively. It cost me time. I’d get off the phone with this company and complain to the people around me and that would mess up their creativity. So, when giving to this company freed me from resentment, it brought with it an explosion of energy and creativity -— to me and the people associated with me.
This illustration shows how destructive the 3Rs can be, and how giving can free us from them. Through the use of giving -– along with the other tools of fair fighting and open, honest communication -– we can deal with the 3Rs and enhance the creativity in our lives.
Brian
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Enhance Your Communication with Code Words
In our last article we talked about open and honest communication as a means to handle the 3 R’s: resentment, resistance and revenge. How else can you communicate responsibly?
On pages 53-56 of If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich, & Happy I discuss the rules for fair fighting. One rule is to come up with a code word. This is a word, which once agreed upon, signals that a fair fight is about to begin. It also signifies that you are going to fight by the fair fighting rules.
Open and Honest Communication
The use of code words can extend to other situations in our lives besides fair fights. Once when my family and I were in Hawaii for a Christian leadership conference, my daughter, Crystal, approached me and said that she was in the 3 R’s. When I asked why she was in the 3 R’s, she said, “You flew the whole family here to Hawaii, it’s sunny outside and we ought to be on the beach playing volleyball with each other. Instead, you’re marketing to these ministers.” In her eyes, I was doing business on family time.
I was busted! Not only did I resolve this problem by eliminating some business appointments and spending time with my family, Crystal and I invented our own private code word: Bob Harrison. Bob Harrison is the name of the man who put on the conference we were attending. Now anytime Crystal says, “Bob Harrison,” it reminds me that I’m doing business on family time.
For example, if the phone rings while we’re eating dinner and I stand up to answer it, Crystal will exclaim, “Bob Harrison!” She’s not foreseeing that Bob Harrison is on the phone—she’s reminding me not to do business on family time.
If Crystal constantly said, “Dad you made an agreement with me not to do business on family time and you’re breaking that agreement,” I might be mature enough to accept that. But by using a code word, her suggestion is much easier for me to take, and much gentler on our relationship.
Code words can be invented for use with different people and different situations. At the office we form a “V” with our fingers and press it to our foreheads to remind co-workers that they’re going victim. If they’re being whiny victims, we wiggle our fingers.
Again, the advantage of a code word is that it helps an individual to accept feedback without becoming defensive or going into the 3 R’s. The gentle suggestion of a “V” against the forehead doesn’t make the other person wrong. It’s a simple reminder that gives them the opportunity for them to say, “Oh, yeah, I didn’t see that,” and to work through it.
You can also invent code words for yourself. Sometimes when co-workers in my company don’t listen, I get frustrated and I tend to “go controller.” My voice raises and I get very intense. When I catch myself getting too intense, I laugh, “Ho, ho, ho,” like Santa Claus. In one meeting, we all laughed several times when I did the Santa-thing to break the downward spiral of me being too controlling and to help those around me from becoming defensive and shutting down.
As you can see by the examples regarding code words, there’s an advantage to having your family and friends attend Klemmer seminars. You will be able to communicate with the same language and on the basis of shared experiences. This can save a lot of time and energy for everyone and help create better and stronger relationships.
Be Inspired,
Brian Klemmer
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