Two Facets of Leadership
There are two very different facets of leadership: doing the right thing and doing things right.
What is the right thing? A right thing is something that is in alignment with a person’s purpose. One of the things I discuss in my latest book, The Compassionate Samurai, is the importance of being clear about your purpose. The difference between having a significant life and a successful life is knowing what your purpose is and how it fits into the greater scope of the world.
Moreover, it’s important to be clear about your purpose for the day. For example, if you receive a phone call it may be a nice call to take, but it may not be the right thing because it doesn’t fit in with your purpose for that day. A lot of things can be good. But good things are not always the right things.
Doing things right, on the other hand, means doing what fits in with the fundamental principles that you have decided to live your life by, such as the principles committed to in the Advanced Leadership seminar. If a decision or activity you have before you doesn’t align with those, then it’s not the right way.
There’s a quaint story about Lincoln that involves doing the right thing and doing things right. During the Civil War, the Confederates were banging at the door of Washington, D.C. At the same time, Colonel Scott, the senior officer in charge of defending Washington, was informed that his wife had died. Scott asked his commanding officer if he could leave to be with his family for the funeral, but the officer declined his request because of the Confederate attack.
Colonel Scott took his case all the way up the chain of command to the secretary of war, a man named Stanton. Even Stanton declined to let Scott go. Desperate, Colonel Scott approached the president, Abraham Lincoln. President Lincoln blew up. Couldn’t Scott see that he, Lincoln, had bigger decisions to make than this? Why didn’t Scott listen to his chain of command? But the next day Lincoln sought out Colonel Scott, apologized, and gave him permission to visit his family.
There are differing viewpoints about how Lincoln should have handled this situation. One is that Lincoln did the right thing, but he did it the wrong way. And the second day, he did the wrong thing because of his guilt, but did it the right way. What do you think? How do you know what is right and what the right way is?
Not only do you need to be clear about what your life purpose is, but you also need to know what your purpose is for tomorrow, for this week, for the year. And you need to be very clear about the principles that you want to live by so that when the need arises, you will be able to make right decisions based on those principles. Check out our Leadership Training
Brian
PS – Tell me what you think. Join the conversation and leave a comment!
Be Aware of How You Listen to Improve Your Growth
In the last article we talked about one of three ways of listening, “being with.” What are the other two ways of listening?
One is to agree with whatever is being said, and the other is to disagree. We often listen from a standpoint of whether we’re going to agree with what’s being said, or whether we’re going to disagree. This is listening with a filter. It prevents us from being present–or “being with”–the person we’re talking to.
Here’s an example. When one of our multi-level clients talks to someone about a business opportunity, one response might be, “Oh, multi-level. That’s a pyramid scheme.” Because they’ve heard something about multi-level marketing before, the client is being present to agree/disagree, not present with the person speaking with them.
Or, the response could be positive. “Oh, network marketing, I’ve heard about that.” In this case the client is listening from an agree standpoint, but they still have a filter up. They’re not being present to the person right in front of them.
We teach the three ways to listen at the Personal Mastery seminar for a reason. Most people show up with a mindset, “What you’re saying doesn’t fit with what I say, so I disagree,” or “What you’re saying does fit with what I say, so I agree.” Because the focus is on agreeing or disagreeing, all they can possibly end up with is what they already know. There’s no chance to discover anything new.
Since to think is to create, and the person’s thinking hasn’t changed, they haven’t discovered anything new. They can’t grow. They’re stuck.
What’s at work here is subconscious thinking, which makes ninety-nine percent of our decisions for us. But, unless we’re aware of our subconscious thinking, we’ll be unaware of why we make the decisions we do. It’s like driving down the road of life blind. How can we have revelations about our subconscious thinking so that we can get unstuck?
- Practice being with. Keep your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical natures present.
- Notice what you’re experiencing in terms of your feelings and behavior.
- Ask yourself: What thinking is causing that feeling or behavior?
When I went through West Point, I had the perception that I was very honest. If you lie, cheat or steal, they throw you out. Later, in an exercise set up by my mentor, Tom, I had to reveal to a group of people what really mattered to me and what I wanted to improve on. I said that I wanted to be more organized. In the greater scope of my life, that was not what really mattered to me!
What I really wanted was a wildly romantic, long-lasting relationship. But I was afraid to tell people that, because I was afraid of what they might think. Well, to think is to create.
I examined the thinking that generated my behavior and noticed two things. One, my behavior was run by what other people thought of me, and two, I was not honest about revealing everything there was to reveal.
As I related that to relationships, I saw why I lacked the intimacy I really wanted and why I didn’t have a wildly romantic, long-lasting relationship. I was honest — I didn’t lie — but I found it very difficult to let the walls down and be open with my feelings. Once I saw that, I was able to make a shift and grow from there.
Brian
P.S. – Learn more about the Klemmer leadership training experience to reveal the belief systems that are holding you back from the results you want in your business and personal life.
Do You Practice the Art of Being With?
Would you like to be more efficient, more effective, more intimate? Then join us in learning the art of being with.
Being with is a way of listening to people. It’s listening to others without any filters up. One filter compares whatever is said to your own personal experience. Another filter is listening with an agenda in mind, wondering what you’re going to get out of the conversation. There’s also the “right/wrong” filter where we constantly assess I’m right/they’re right, or I’m right/they’re wrong, etc. When you practice being with, you are present without any filters between you and the other person.
You are also present as a whole person. Every person is made up of a mind, body, feelings, and spiritual nature. When you’re being with, all four of these are present in the moment.
To help in understanding being with, let’s look at some examples of what it looks like when we’re not being with. Suppose I’m golfing. I’m looking at the ball in front of me, but thinking about the last ball that hooked or sliced. I’m not really being with the ball in front of me. Or suppose I think, Oh gosh, I should be at home with my wife and kids. Then I’m not being with the ball, either. Not being with my golf game ruins my efficiency and effectiveness.
Intimacy is effectiveness in the realm of personal or business relationships. Suppose I am embarrassed at a management meeting at work. When I come home from work my body may be home, but my emotions are still with the management meeting. Or, if I didn’t complete my work, I may be physically with my family, but my mind is still at the office. You can see how intimacy in relationships can suffer when we don’t practice being with!
How can you practice being with? One way is simply to be conscious of it. Decide that you’re going to be totally present. Quiet all the noise in your mind and cut out all distractions. When you’re being with, you’re very aware of what’s going on with the other person.
Recently I had a phone conference scheduled for 9:00 a.m., but was running late. I knew I would get to the office just at 9:00 and then there would be various details in the office to take care of. The last-minute rush and distractions in the office would keep me from being with the person on the other end of the line. So, I asked if we could begin ten minutes later. That gave me the opportunity to come to a place of ground and center, a concept taught in the Leadership Training Seminar. I could ask myself, “What’s my purpose?” to quiet my mind and cut out all distractions.
Another way of being with is to ask, “Hey, do you really feel me being present with you, or do you feel like my mind is somewhere else?” Most people know whether you’re being with them or not; they can feel it. Perhaps you’ve listened to a salesperson intent on sticking with their script and closing the deal, rather than being with you. Even though you may not be aware of what’s happening, most likely you will not buy the product or participate in the business opportunity.
Practice the art of being with and watch your levels of efficiency, effectiveness, and intimacy increase.
Brian
PS – Click the Like Button below.
Revenge!
When considering the third of the 3Rs, revenge, there’s often a short circuit that takes place in our minds. Suppose someone asked you if you ever took revenge on others. Now, if you’re like most people, you would think that you don’t take revenge. Your underlying thinking might be that if you did, it would mean that you’re a bad person.
In order to maintain being a good person, you must think of examples of revenge that you would never do. One of the ways to do this is by thinking that revenge is doing something extreme to someone else, such as taking out a gun and shooting them. If you don’t shoot other people, then you don’t exact revenge — and therefore you are a good person. This is often how our brains work regarding revenge!
Revenge!
So, in order to discuss revenge, we must define it. Revenge is any attempt to settle the score with someone. For example, perhaps an employee gave their viewpoint to a coworker, but the coworker didn’t respond. As a result, the employee doesn’t feel heard. The employee might then make a snide comment, one that puts down the coworker. That’s revenge.
Hidden inside most of our minds is a little scorecard, or bank account, for each person in our lives. For example, I know a woman who must ask her husband several times to do things for her. Sometimes, no matter how often she asks, he doesn’t do them at all. Then she starts to plot how to get back at him, how to settle the score. That’s revenge.
The revenge can take several forms. She can conveniently not be available to cook dinner or not be in the mood for sex. She can turn her back on him and migrate to another part of the house so that he can’t communicate with her. What is the solution for this woman? To recognize that she is in the revenge stage of the 3R’s and move into giving, fair-fighting or open, honest communication.
An example from my own family took place when one of my sons was 16 or 17 years old. At that time this son began to break his curfew. At first, my response was to get angry at his behavior. But then I realized that I couldn’t stop him from breaking curfew and surrendered to it. Then I told my son that I knew I couldn’t control him. I couldn’t make him do anything. I also informed him that if he broke curfew again, it would result in an immediate consequence: the door to his room would be removed.
Sure enough, a day or two later when he was late, instead of going into the 3Rs and getting angry, I took the door off his room. He made his choice and got the promised consequence. It wasn’t long before my son begged me to put the door back on, but I waited two or three days to do that. As you might imagine, that was the last time we had problems with him breaking curfew!
Revenge, or settling the score, is destructive to all parties involved, including the one who carries out the revenge. Recognizing this attitude doesn’t mean we’re bad. Like resentment and resistance, having the courage to recognize revenge and deal with it through giving, fair-fighting, or open and honest communication brings release, energy and increased creativity.
For more on Leadership Training and revenge and how to avoid being controlled by it, see pages 47-56 of my book, If How-To’s Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich & Happy.
Be Exceptional,
Brian
